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Perhaps you can give the relationship a new path, and still be incredibly happy and fulfilled. Discover gay singles looking for meaningful relationships online on Guardian Soulmates.
They don't see a problem with what they're doing, and don't identify it as gay, but rather very masculine, particularly if both parties are straight.
If you decide to open up to your partner at some point about your same-sex relationship(s), you should consider being honest with her. Being open and willing to be in a relationship with whomever you want is good for you, even when you identify as heterosexual.
Do it well so that she understands what you want, and how you want her to be involved. You need to do what feels best, feels right for you.
Perhaps being in a relationship with someone who has the same power as him can give him the chance to be submissive, and be controlled. They have no attraction to men, other than the sexual thing.
So, having sex with a man can be just that - a hook-up, or it can be dealing with something undiscovered, or it can be about feeling dominated and wanting someone to take control.